Do Your Words Matter?
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah...
I’ve written before about the difference between changing normative expectations (e.g., rules, policies, guidelines, etc.) and changing people, and I conclude that argument by saying we should prioritize changing these normative, not the people.
So, as a simple example, if you wanted your child to eat their vegetables, you would focus on establishing clear expectations that make the result you’re looking for more likely, rather than simply telling the child to change their feelings. However, this contrast between structure and people can lead to predictable misunderstandings, one of which I would like to explain here.
Stated plainly, the difference between a people-orientation and being oriented towards normative expectations (i.e., structure-orientation) is not about whether a given the word or rule is significant and meaningful. It is about whether any word or any rule is significant and meaningful.
Making expectations matter means making your voice matter. And if your voice matters then you can significantly influence reality just be changing your words.
Here is what I mean. Imagine you tell yourself, “I must do my laundry when I get home,” but then you neglect to do it. You may have made the right call given the circumstances, but that decision necessarily draws down on the power of your own voice. You said something you didn’t do. Again, you might have had a good reason, but it comes at a cost.
How would you respond to a friend who constantly promises you, “I’ll be there at 6 pm” but fails to show up? How many times would they need to no-show before you stopped believing them? Not many. It is the same with yourself.
Integrity is legitimacy. Withdrawals of trust without enough deposits result in a loss of one's own power over oneself, just as they do when it comes to setting expectations with others. Conversely, investments in legitimacy, built up to a high level, mean that one can command oneself in ways unknown to the disorganized person.
The individual who prizes his or her individuality through self-rebellion emphasizes their freedom at the cost of their control. At some point, they will say, “I’ll do it tomorrow …” but they know their words are weak. “No, really, this time I mean it…” they say, placing their hope in only themselves. Their words, which were to serve and magnify, are now merely theatre. Doubling-down on false promises only make the situation worse.
It’s not that making your words matter is the only thing that matters. Change and influence happen in a variety of non-verbal ways too. And so seeking salvation through our relationships with people can work. Infants have no choice, after all. But it is a mistake to build a foundation upon that which was only meant to be a scaffold.
Growth and development naturally drift towards making that which is implicit explicit, and in doing so, the nature of trust and legitimacy is revealed and tested (for more on this, read “The Necessary Drift Toward Explicitness”).
So, when I talk about the importance of “making rules matter,” it is nothing more than making your words matter. If you tell your team to do something, do they do it? Do you even try?
If not, maybe you were unclear. Or, maybe you’ve pushed on things you couldn’t realistically control—you commanded in ways that were not effective. Or you were also too soft in ways you needed to be firmer. Maybe you should have let the team define their agreements for themselves. Or maybe you should have defined them first.
The point is to get your words and reality in sync. When what you say reflects the truth, you can change the truth by changing what you say (e.g. “Starting tomorrow…”
or, “Never again…”).
As a leader of others, just as with yourself, making your words matter isn’t about trying to conform reality to your illusions and beliefs; it’s simply about the careful dance of legitimacy and integrity. Making your words matter isn’t just about imposing your will on reality. It’s also about pulling back from the places where your words won’t matter so that when you say them, they actually do.
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